


Gone

by TheRainbowShakaBrah



Series: Sacrifice Chloe Ending AU [2]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Implied Chasefield, Implied Suicide Attempt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, This is the saddest thing I've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 01:03:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRainbowShakaBrah/pseuds/TheRainbowShakaBrah
Summary: Max struggles to deal with Chloe's death





	Gone

It's cold and dark in my room, the shades are drawn and I lay unmoving on my bed.

Nobody has spoken to me in weeks, but that's probably because I haven't left my dorm room in weeks aside for going to the bathroom and eating just enough to keep me alive, which even then is a task.

My body feels numb despite me being in pain all the time. It's not physical pain, at least, not always. It's more heartache than anything else.

How can you live with a broken heart?

It's hard, I'll tell you that.

You feel like your drowning sometimes, your chest fills with heaviness and dread and sadness until that's the only thing you can feel. Then, after a while, even that dulls down to nothing, until you can feel nothing... you are nothing.

* * *

Chloe's gone.

She's gone and it's all my fault.

She's dead because of me, but she wanted this, she asked me to let her go... and I did. I did because I knew if I saved her she'd only hate me for killing what little she cared about in this fucked up town where bad things happen to good people for no their reason then the world hates them.

Or at least that's how it feels.

The entire universe was against me and Chloe being together, and I wanted nothing more than to drive off into the sunset with Chloe and give the world a big middle finger and say  _"This is mine, you can't have her_ ".

But, the universe finds a way to tear lovers apart, it finds a way to break hearts and people.

I should know... it broke me.

I am broken.

I  _feel_  broken.

I'm a husk of a person, I'm not the same anymore and I doubt I ever will.

My parents have tried to get me to move back home since Blackwell has shut down all classes for a few months, but I refused.

Arcadia Bay is my home.

And I promised I'd always be with her...

Forever.

It might not mean anything now, but that's a promise I'm going to keep until the end of time.

* * *

I shift around slightly, my joints and muscles sore and stiff from lack of exercise and movement, but I like the pain.

It's the one thing that reminds me that I'm still alive.

I take my phone off the nightstand next to my bed and unlock it, the bright backlight stinging my red, forever tear-filled eyes.

My voicemail and inbox are filled with unread messages from friends, classmates, my parents and of course, Joyce.

I ignore those the most, not ready or able to face Joyce with the knowledge that I had the chance to save her daughter.

She'd want Chloe to be happy, and I hope that by making this choice, choosing this reality... I did make her happy.

 _She's happy_ , I try to convince myself... but it never works.

I want her to be happy, but with me.

Happy and Alive.

That's all I wanted.

All I Want.

With a small sigh, I finally decide to look into Joyce's messages.

The last time I saw her was at the diner a few days before the funeral. She gave me a box of Chloe's things, which included William's camera.

I promised I'd cherish it always but now it just sits on my desk already collecting a thin layer of dust.

I haven't touched a camera since everything that went down, and I doubt I ever will.

Every time I see the flash I see him.

Every time I hear the shutter click I hear him.

Every time I hold a photo I feel his presence.

 _Stop,_  I think, my stomach churning at the horrific memories.

I turn my attention back to my phone, flipping through the messages.

All Joyce really wants to know is if I'm okay because I was there... I was there when Chloe died. I  _heard_  her die, I  _watched_  her die and I did nothing about it.

I don't really know if I'm okay, I mean, clearly I'm not but... that's okay.

It's okay to not be okay.

And I need to be okay with that.

 _I'll see her this weekend,_  I tell myself, locking my phone and tossing it back up on the nightstand.

That's a lie.

I'm not going anywhere unless I completely have to.

* * *

All the other girls in the dorm have started to worry about me, popping their head in my room to make sure I'm still alive.

I don't blame them.

They must think I might try and off myself because I've already tried it once.

Well, not exactly.

I was testing something.

I still have the photo that sent me here, the one with the butterfly but no powers to go back.

I thought that if I was in a dangerous situation, my powers would return and I'd be able to go back and save Chloe.

But it didn't work.

The only thing that happened was I almost got flattened by a bus, but Victoria was somehow able to pull me out of the way just in the nick of time.

I played it off as being distracted, which I sorta was, and for some reason... everyone believed me.

So I was left alone with no powers, a broken heart and scuffed knees.

I don't know why I even tried... it was stupid.

I'm stuck here in this Chloe-less world for the rest of my days... however long that may be.

I pull my knees to my chest and hug them tightly, trying to seek what little comfort I can ofter myself.

It's not much, and I don't feel any better.

Not that I thought I would.

I kept her beanie and necklace, the few things I could tolerate owning and keeping close to my person.

I take the beanie out from it's hiding place under my pillow and press it up against my face, breathing in the fading scent of Chloe.

_Weed, sweat and apple shampoo._

Chloe.

It's weird, I know. Being in love with a dead girl.

A girl you technically haven't seen in 5 years.

A girl who at one point probably hated my guts for never calling.

A girl who used to be mine.

Well, Chloe was never mine.

She was never anyone's.

Chloe was a free spirit.

She was this larger than life person, someone who'd never take notice of me.

And yet she did... Chloe was the only one who  _would_  notice me at times.

That's what I liked about her the most.

That's what I still like.

* * *

I sigh again and slowly sit up, my head feeling heavy with fuzz and static.

I should probably get some food in me or something before I pass out... again.

I don't bother putting on shoes or anything, planning on walking down to the vending machines and getting something there.

I grab my hoodie and pull it over my shoulders, slowly and reluctantly leaving my room.

The hall lights are bright and sting my eyes, so I shield them for a moment until my eyes can adjust.

The hall is empty, so thankfully I don't have to deal with any of my classmates... at least for now.

I shuffle down to the machines and fumble for the loose change I shoved in my pocket, feeding it to the machine in return for food.

I press a few buttons and wait for the whirling of the mechanisms inside the machine to bring me my snack but nothing happens.

I grumble a little a give the vending machine a small punch.

But still, nothing happens.

I sigh and hang my head low, spotting and  _out of order_  sign laying on the floor.

 _That's just great... just fucking great,_  I think to myself, punching the damned machine again.

_Fuck this machine, fuck this school, fuck Arcadia Bay, fuck everything._

I punch the machine, again and again, each blow landing with more and more force.

_Fuck. This. Place._

I don't even realize I'm crying until the hot tears roll down my cheeks, my chest heaving for breath.

I keep punching the glass on the machine until I cant feel my hand and fall to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably.

I'm not crying over the snacks... I'm crying because everything has gone to shit and I don't know how much more I can take.

Everything hurts.

Being her without her hurts.

I don't want to live in a world without Chloe Price.

* * *

 

Soon, the other students hear my pitiful cried and rush out of their dorms to see if I'm alright, which of course I'm not.

Kate tries to comfort me but it doesn't help.

Brooke tries to give me some encouraging words but it doesn't help.

Dana and Juliet both try and tell me it'll be alright but it doesn't help.

Victoria doesn't say anything and keeps her distance from me, her face covered with guilt.

That helps.

She knows that this is partially her fault, Nathan was her best friend, and she saw the sighs of his deteriorating mental state and did nothing about it.

Not that she could do anything about it.

So I just continue to sob until I have no tears left and my body is shaking and trembling. My chest is sore and my head is throbbing with white-hot pain.

I feel numb again.

Emotion-wise at least.

But what else is new?

When I stop responding, Victoria is the one that suggests giving me space until I calm down, which I appreciate.

Except, when all the girls leave, she remains.

I watch as she walks up and kneels down in front of me, grabbing my hand before I can move back.

"Did you do this on purpose?" she asks, gesturing to my now bruised and slightly bleeding hand.

I swallow and shake my head.

"Don't lie, Max. You've never been good at it".

I furrow my eyebrows and aggressively pull my hand away, struggling to get to my feet and walk away.

But Victoria moves in my way, preventing me from moving too far.

"Oh, no," she says, "You've been moping around in your dorm for far too long. You need to get out and get some sunshine and fresh air. Maybe some real food for once. You're looking a little on the thin side, Caulfield. More so than usual".

I grumble again and try to move past her but Victoria once again steps in front of me.

"I'm not going to let you torture yourself like this, Max. I may be a bitch but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned about you" she says, resting her hands on my shoulders.

"I don't want your help," I mutter, my voice low and scratchy.

It's the first time I've spoken in a while.

Along with the disassociation, I tend to go through long (and short) periods of time where I refuse to talk to anyone.

"You need it, Max. Clearly, you do," Victoria says, "I know you're all beat up over your friend, but just because she not alive anymore doesn't mean that you should stop living to".

 _That does it_.

I turn to Victoria and march right up to her face. "Her name was Chloe, and she wasn't just my friend, okay? She was more than that,  _way_ more. I don't expect you to understand, I don't expect anyone to. Chloe was everything to me and she didn't even know I came back, and I came back for her! How can you tell your childhood best friend you came back for them when they're dead huh?!" I yell, my voice straining at the edges, "How can you tell the girl you loved that you love her when she's dead?!".

Victoria blinks. "Max, I-".

"No, you don't get to talk. Chloe was my everything and now that she's gone I'm nothing! I just... I just want her back... I want Chloe back".

My voice and words weaken as more tears start to fall.

"I don't want to be here without her".

"Max...".

"I want to be with her again...".

I don't even realize it at first but Victoria throws her arms around me and holds me in a tight embrace.

"Don't fucking say shit like that, you hear me, Caulfield?" she says, holding me tighter.

I shake my head and continue to sob.

"I loved her... I loved her and now she's gone. She'll never know how I feel".

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know".

"I could have done something, I could have changed things..." I continue, my voice growing dull and deadpan.

"There was nothing you could have done, Max," Victoria says, pulling away and holding me limply by my shoulders.

"I could have saved her,".

"Are you even listening to yourself?" she asks, giving me a gentle shake, "She's gone, Max. As much as it hurts you have to accept that".

"But I don't want to" I admit.

"You have to, you cant just live grieving for her forever".

I sigh weakly and let my shoulder and head sag.

"Then what do I do?".

"I- I don't know. Just live, I guess" she says.

I stay quiet for a moment.

"How do you live if part of you had died?".

"You just do".


End file.
